I've struggled long and hard to find an opponent worthy of fighting my souped-up steroid-fuelled hamsters, pretty much any animal I pit against them ends up ripped to shreds in seconds. But I think this fucker might be different. I imprted this fucker from an elite training camp on the Isle of Wight, where they feed them nothing but chemically enhanced testosterone and ostrich eggs. This combination leaves you with an animal that is so tough, it can bring down an ox with one flick of its tiny paw. It came with a money-back guarantee too, so it's a win-win situation for me, even if it's lose-lose for the squirrel. It arrived a couple of days ago, now it's over its jetlag, I think I'll try it in the ring with one of my welterweight hamsters. They're warming up at the moment, once they're nice and limber I'll attach their spurs and we're good to go. Forget Eurovision, this is the contest you want to be watching tonight! Tickets start at £69.
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